| incite |
[Oct. 25th, 2007|04:51 pm] |
For the past three weeks, I have been feeling a little strange.
It started when I woke up one morning with an incredibly bloated stomach that didn't go away for 3 days. Then the head aches started. Ever since then, I have been more than preoccupied with the state of pains in my body.
I know it sounds strange, which is why I did research on it.
At first with these pains, I was worried. But I concluded that these pains, along with the loss of appetite and being unable to sleep, was a result of midterm stress. However, as the pains kept changing every few days, I realized that perhaps these pains were a result of my preoccupation with pains.
Now I have discovered something quite miraculous. I am able to control my pains and my appetite. For example, if I have a pain in my stomach, I can intensify it to the point of feeling nausous. I can also transfer pain. For example, if I have a pain in my stomach I can transfer it to be a pain in my knee joint. Or, if I don't want pain, I can make myself feel uncomfortable, itchy all over and shaky/panicky (although, I don't really like this one, because it makes it impossible to concentrate on anything at all). I can also create pain, just by concentrating on a body part and the type of pain I desire.
As a result of a lot of these sensations, I have lost almost all desire to eat. However, I am learning to concentrate this as well. For example, I have been able to create the illusion that my stomach is completely empty or completely full.
The only thing that I am having trouble controlling is when I think about it. As a result, it's become something that consumes my thoughts when I don't have anything more interesting to think about. Sometimes changing what I'm thinking about can be a challenge, especially when I'm in the itchy mode.
I don't know why this fasinates me. It's just kind of cool. It's not that I like to give myself pain or makes me feel uncomfortable. But it's a new sense of contol. Maybe, one day I'll learn how to use this control to control my mood. |
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| Life is good |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|08:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Faces In The Hall-Gym Class Heroes-The Papercut Chronicles | ] |
I can't believe we won!!! My team won the Chicago Entrepreneurial Quest (sponsored by motorola)! $2000!!
I also climbed a 5.10 today at the climbing gym! It took me like 30 minutes, but I did it!!
Finally, I'm really nervous because I'm supposed to find out whether I got the internship at WVU (Neuroscience) by Friday. I don't think I'm going to get it. There were like 120 applicants and 10 spots- and two of the applicants were the kids of guys in the department...
In conclusion, my life is pretty darn amazing right now. |
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| gr |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|12:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Escape-Enrique Iglasias | ] |
It's only been two weeks and I'm already exhausted from school.
sigh. |
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| Gora |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|04:01 am] |
I always feel compelled to write after I've finished a book. I feel like the end of a book is the end of a great summer or a great trip. So many things have happened. I've met loads of people, each with a distinct personality , different background, born to a unique culture. I've lived on the streets with the beggars, I've been the king of the mafia in Bombay, I've killed a man, I've been a beautiful young woman with a tragic history, I've fought in wars, I've been to places I've never heard of and I've relaxed on a beautiful beach in the East.
I feel as if I've done all these things. And sometimes I convince myself I have.
But when it comes down to reality, I feel as if I've done close to nothing. Sure, I've travelled, ran in with the cops, climbed mountains, road a double decker, seen movie stars, but it doesn't really feel as if I've done much.
When we're young, we have all the hopes and aspirations in the world. We all think of all the wonderful things we're going to do when we grow up. But no one ever set the alarm to tell us when that time has come, so instead we keep on going on with the trivial chores of everyday life, and before we know it, we forget there was ever a clock.
I fell this time is coming. I'm beginning to forget my dreams to change the world. I've realized that life isn't as easy as it seemed in the days of barbies and ninja turtles. Ideas have to be forced to work. Everyone studies, even if they say they haven't. There is a limit to the money that your parents have.
When I was a kid my dream was to be an inventor- a mad scientist, if you will.
Where is that dream now? |
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| I hate intended ingorance. |
[Dec. 4th, 2006|07:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Escape-Enrique Iglasias | ] |
There is no greater form of flattery than remembering the details of other's lives. So why are people so insistant on being ignorant of the those around them?
Picture the scene:
You meet this young man at a luncheon at a conference. You begin talking and have a conversation about yourselves. You tell him that you are a phd student in chemical engineering at Penn State, but you are originally from Colorado. He tells you he is a professor at Carnegie Melon in Pittsburgh, but he is orginally from El Paso, Texas. You have never been to Texas, he has never been to Colorado. You have a great conversation about your home states and then split for the next seminar. Then you don't see him for 3 years.
After 3 years you meet randomly at a seminar in Cleveland. You recognize his face, but his name does not pop into your head. You remember his field, and that he is from Pittsburgh. He approaches you with a friendly smile, and says "hi, you remember me? you remember my name?" Your mind starts racing. Is his name Tim or Tom or Bill or Frank? You take a wild guess and say "Andrew, right?" His face beams and he says "yes!"
What do you feel at this moment? Happy, like a little kid? Like you just made him happy, and it made you feel good. It was a lucky guess, true, but it resulted in such a smile on his face! You try and recall other facts about him, but nothing really comes to mind. Something about working at Pitt, or was it Carnegie? Was he in CS there or was he a doctor? You really couldn't remember.
The scene continues:
He says, "your name is Ashley, right? From Colorado? Did you ever end up getting your PhD?"
You are astounded. How did he remember!?!? You feel bad cause you don't remember as many details about him as he does of you. But you are flattered because he remembered so much about you.
Knowing this, why do people feel so embarassed to tell others they remember details about them? In most cases, this is at least a good conversational starter.
I just don't understand why people are so insistant upon not remembering. It annoys me.
Sigh. This isn't well written, but I hope you get the point. Maybe I'll rewrite this later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|03:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Escape-Enrique Iglasias | ] |
Jealousy is a thing that can drive one to say things that are cruel.
It hurts the ones you love.
But it is a powerful force; the force that drives us as a species to accomplish the desires of our hearts or commit suicide in desperation with the sober acknowledgement that we will never meet that dream.
I don't mean to be envious of those around me. It just happens sometimes. I used to lie in order to convince others that I live the dream I yearn to live. I don't anymore, but that desperate need to impress refuses to die.
What's worse is that I understand people. I see through every action and see a person who is scared, unsure and wary of the life they live. Even the hard core Christian has questioned the existance of god, and I see it in their eyes. The battle fought in the conscience is an open book.
I wish I couldn't see this insecurity in others. It scares me. It says to me that know one is sure that the life they are living is the one they were destined to. I don't think that Einstein really understood what he was discovering. When he wrote it up he covinced people it was true, because people like to believe in a sureness (that there is stability in their lives').
Jealous spawns from the desire to have this confidence that what they are doing is right. Those who think they are "ugly" are jealous of those who are "beautiful" because they assume that he/she is aware of his attactiveness. Those who are poor desire to be rich because they believe that money brings power and the innate knowledge of what to do with it.
I know it doesn't.
And it scares me.
...and as usual I started off trying to prove one point and concluded with another.
Alas, such is the consequence of the sporadic decision to write at 3:30 am. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|04:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Justin Timberlake - My love | ] |
I think that often times being nice to someone is interpretted as being an indication of attraction.
...and I find it silly...
...but understandable. |
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| Conversation with an elder. |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|09:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
I met a man today. He was 78 years old, grey hair, long wrinkled face, deep sulken grey eyes, with an air of solemnity about him.
I don't know quite why I was compelled to, but found myself sitting next to him in the leather chair in the lobby of Perlstein Hall. It was just the two of us, the oldest and youngest of the crowd.
He began by telling me a crazy idea of his, that the bigger you are the longer you live. "Look at a whale, compared to a microoganism, a whale lives much much longer," he said in a raspy voice which was followed by an aimiable laugh. He went on to extend this idea to inanimate objects. "The biggest thing I know is the universe and as far as I know it's the oldest thing there is. Now imagine extending this idea to molecules. Do you know what the life span of a water molecule is? Do you know what the life span of an electron is?"
He continued in this manner telling me of ideas of his and his life's stories.
In a cold brisky day in the winter of 1993, a few months after his retirement, his friend and collegue knocked on his door. He was standing there in his thick black woolen coat, grey hair ruffled, with a sort of aggitated, anxious demenor.
"What's the matter, my friend?" asked the man, in a genuinely concerned voice.
His friend then tugged at a roped and out came a medium sized black dog hiding behind the bushes. It was battered, thin to the bones, and stank of a wreched smell; not quite the smell of trash, but almost what can be described as decay.
"Well," said his friend. "I found this dog here lying on the edge of the forest out at my lake house. She was beated bad. I couldn't help but to bring her home. But my wife, as you can imagine, was not to thrilled, and ordered me to take the dog to the pound...."
He paused, as if to collect his thoughts.
"I'm not sure why, but I just couldn't. Couldn't you see, let this dog die an unhappy death in a pound. Dogs, like humans, should die with family. ...So I guess what I'm asking is if you would adopt her."
The man had such a pleading voice, my friend could not help but say yes.
The first few months were hard. Like every new roommate, the dog had customs very different from her owner. My friend fed her well, took her out on walks, talked to her, just like a normal person, but still luster of her coat, reflected her somber personality.
My friend became distressed. He wanted so very badly for his dog to be happy, but nothing semed to work. Until one day in late may, a few months after adopting her, he took her to Lake Michigan. My friend was going out for a swim as he decided that he was going to swim across Lake Michigan. He had trained for many months at the local swimming pool, and decided it was time to get in the lake for a swim.
The dog, to his surprized jumped in with him. She paddled along behind my friend, and barked to express her delight.
When it was time to leave, my friend took a quick shower, changed into his clothes, and called to his dog to tell her it was time to leave. But she refused to leave. My friend, not knowing how else to compell her to listen, grabbed her by her collar and stuffed her into the back of the car.
And so the dog had found a new love. Swimming.
Everyday for the the rest of the summer the two of them went out to the lake for an afternoon swim. Soon, the dog got faster, and my friend was forced to wear fins in order to keep up.
The knowledge that the dog was faster than he, depressed him, for it showed him how much out of shape he was from the days when he used to be a competitive swimmer. But at the same time it rejuvenated him, gave him something to look forward to and never failing companion.
The two of them ended up swimming Lake Michigan together the following summer.
That was only the start of it all.
A year later they swam across the English Channel, swam across a famous lake in Hungary and even walked the entire border of Turkey.
My friend, then decided to write to the Guinness book of world records to say that his dog had been the first dog to swim across all these lakes, and sent times along with the records. They wrote back saying, they didn't do dog records anymore.
My friend, however, was not discouraged by this.
He decided to make a one hour video of the life history of his dog, and then wrote to 5 of the top science magazines to ask them to petition for the dog to gain recognition for her records. Four out of the five, responded and the video biography was transformed into an article which was ran in one of the magazines, which followed by 5 medals awarded for world records.
Late November 2005, the dog started showing signs of weakness. At first my friend thought it was just old age, but the dog's health deteriorated severely within the next few weeks.
My friend went through much trouble to get an MRI and x-ray done for her and in early January of this year (2006), she was diagnosed with a form of neuropathy.
January 23, she was gently lowered into the ground, in a white casket of her own.
After he was done telling me the story of his dog, he looked around.
"You know, there is no one here from my era," he said in melancoly voice which almost hinted at desperation.
As eccentric as this old man was he taught more than I could have imagined about myself.
I knew the reason I had sat next to him: he, like I, felt out of place. A place which he was familiar with seemed alien to him. He felt unable to relate to the people around him. He missed the life he once had. A life of youth and energy. He spilled out to me his stories, as if he expected to die tomorrow.
Yet, his reason for being at the lecture was the same as mine. We were both eager to find someone we could relate to, someone to talk to, not necessarily to get anything out of a Chemical Engineering seminar.
It's a sad thing to lose a friend, family, and all those of your generation. I have not even begun to experience this type of saddness. But I learned from this man that it is important to stay active, to be open to people, something which I sometimes am too scared to do.
I will probably never see this man again, but his stories will never leave me.
It's one thing to be interested in understanding science, but it's another to be interested in understanding people. Without both, where will I end up? |
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| Humans are story tellers after all... |
[Oct. 23rd, 2006|09:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
I think I'm fairly good at telling stories. Although, I think a lot of story telling is good because of hand gestures and expressions. In any case, I've decided I should write a book.
I'm not sure what about, of course, but I think there is too much of change and cultural shock going on in my life right now to not be extrapulated and placed on a story board. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|02:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | anxious | ] |
Sometimes for lack of anything better to say, I say that which I do not mean. |
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| Looks = Personality |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|11:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  listless | ] |
It's been a while since I've come up with this conclusion, but now I am putting it in words.
A person's name, as well as physical appearance, influences personality.
Most of you know that when I introduce myself to someone I use 1 of 3 lines:
a. Agata, like "A gotta remember your name."
b. Agata, like "N agodda davita, baby".
c. Agata, like "A gotta do ________ (whatever I'm doing at the moment-like if I meet the person while sailing, it'll be "like a gotta go sailing!")"
I'm not really quite sure, but saying this makes me seem outgoing. And in a sense, because I can say this line, I do feel more confident approaching strangers, because I know I can at least have one conversation about my name and how I came to have it... where as someone with the name Jessica or Bill, will have to come up with something else to strike a conversation.
A person's physical appearance influences his personality as well.
(I know I touched upon this in my last entry, but this time I have a different angle of perspective.)
(Also, this classification system I thought of is partially due to self awareness of attractiveness. If a beautiful child thinks of himself as only average, his personality will change accordingly.)
Case 1: The beautiful child
When you are considered to be beautiful as a child, you tend to get more attention from adults, as well as from your peers. Now, in most cases, a popular child tends to stay popular throughout his youth. In the western world this usually results in doing popular things, such as drinking at age 14-15, losing virginity at age 15-17, and slacking in school (because what is the point if people love you even when you don't have good grades?).
How this affects personality:
This person usually ends up stuck up, sometimes famous, and usually ignorant. If the youth knows they (s)he is beautiful, they will end up in pageants, marrying rather a wealthy spouse. This also leads to narcotics, as approval is something they no longer seek from their peers. Life becomes increasingly dull, at least until the children arrive.
Case 2: The cute child
The cute child has nice looks, but does not gain the attention from EVERYONE they meet. This child learns early on that smiling, and being nice results in approval from peers. This also results in popularity, but of a different sort. Sometimes drinking and partying is involved, but most of the time, school and extracurriculars take over.
How this affects personality:
This type of person, realizes that looks are only half the game early on; schooling is also important. But most of all socializing is the key to gaining social acceptance. Leadership comes naturally, as peers believe they can relate to this type of person, with the subconscious underlying thought remaining that peers want to trust an attractive (but not beautiful) person who is also somewhat smart.
Case 3: The average child
This child gets smiles and pinched cheeks every so often, but all in all is not heavily affected by looks. During the younger years of schooling, social standing is important, but not the center of his world. This child tends to get good grades, love to learn and read, and do the sports mom and dad sign them up for. As he gets older, there is clear state of mind where he makes a conscious effort to either become more socially acceptable, dedicated to sports, or embrace school even more so.
How this affects personality:
This child tends to be either the highly ambitious type or the submisive type.
As looks don't really sway people towards them naturally, this child learns to listen and tries hard to understand his peers in order to gain social superiority. This results in youth trying to branch out from the norm, doing things to get noticed.... like growing a fro, being the class clown, going emo or goth, or just plainly being the best at something. Sometimes, he gets frustrated and consequently becomes submissive, believing he can do nothing to influence the world, because he is just average.
In any case, this is the most versatile of groups. These are the sports stars, the comedians, the scientists, the journalists.
Case 4: The ugly child
This child is the child that doesn't care for looks at all throughout the greater part of his youth. He spends most of his time studying, reading or playing music. They have come to the sad conclusion that their peers don't like them, they don't get as much attention from adults except from teachers, which greatly influences them. At some point this child can branch out and consider himself a "normal child", but this takes a great deal of effort, and changing out of the "niche" they have come to be comfortable with.
How this affects personality:
This child does have friends; it usually takes time, and many tears, but it happens. The low self confidence stays throughout most of life. However, during adolescence, he realizes he's not the only one of his type and begins to feel more open... never to those whom he considers in the previous three groups, but to those he ignored, that is the other "ugly" children. In the end, this person becomes not the one people come to for help, but the underlying genius behind many professional projects.
So I am generalizing, but I feel this is what people are. Of course, this is with the assumption that everyone has the bare minimums in order to sustain life (ie food and soap to clean himself). There are many other influences on personality, however, I feel like your physical appearance influences people more than they may think (subconsciously or not).
...tha tha tha that's it folks. |
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| That's tragic |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|03:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
It's sad when you come to the realization that you are not attractive. That you will never be able to have those perfect legs, that beautiful face, that perfect stomach, and the perfect boobs.
I used to think that it all just came down to personality. But it doesn't. There has to be a certain degree of attraction in order for friendship to work. Yes, even friendships, not just who you date.
People are respected when they have the looks. A handsome man will be just much more respected than a nerd with glasses, even when the third party knows nothing about either of the two.
I have been told many times that what people like about me is the fact that I'm not scared to approach just about anybody and talk to them. I lack the awkwardness that most people dwell upon. I try to listen to everything people say. ...Which I guess people like.
To put two and two together, the bottom line is that even if I have a "good" personality, it's not enough to offset the looks in order to gain respect from those around me.
So I study as much as I can, read all the books, so that maybe I can connect to people.
Maybe, just maybe, one day it will pay off.
Until then, I'm going to go be an emochild under my covers. |
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| why |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|12:45 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | over my head-The Fray-Single | ] |
I've come to accept that I really have no friends. There are just people that I know that tend to have a good heart at one point or another and choose to listen to what I say and offer words of consolation. I don't mean to be cynical or pessimistic, it's just how I've felt for a while, and now am putting into words.
I'm not saying that no one has friends, but it makes me wonder. I am the only one that feels like no one is there to always listen? Especially in this relatively new college setting, where no one really knows each other, or cares to for that matter, since we are all homesick at heart.
So maybe it's people we've known for a while whom we consider friends?
Again, I'm not sure that I can say that I've had this. I never really felt that people listened to me there, I was always too cautious, concerned solely with saying the right thing at the right time than with allowing people to listen to what bothered me inside. After a while, I just came to the unconscious conclusion that people just don't want to listen.
My dad listens. He listens all the time, through everything, but my dad's not my peer, much to my dismay.
Jacob is probably the closest thing I've come to having calling a friend. He always listened, but I was never sure whether he was listening because he truly liked me or he just wanted me as his girlfriend.
I'm not depressed, I'm not cynical, I'm not pessimistic.... I just truly wonder, what is friendship? does it exist or am I missing a part of life that others have somehow realized while I had my head turned? |
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| Sometimes. |
[Sep. 22nd, 2006|10:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
Sometimes I feel like I am the only person I know that thinks outside of the box. Especially when I am at IIT.
I don't understand why people complain so much about time and work. Most people I see squander their time like it was water under the shower. It's not until the water goes cold that they realize how much water they've wasted.
Personally, I'm bored most of the time. Sure, my classes challenge me. But I do my work for each class, study enough until I conceptually understand, take my test, and get bored again. Usually the outlet for my boredom is reading, exercise or going out. But you can only exercise so much, read for so long, and going out just isn't really appealing because when I do, people have to get drunk off their asses to have fun or all they do is complain about the work they have to do and how they have no time. "Well, go do it now! ...instead of complaining while you are at a party!"
Consequently, I spend most of my time thinking. About everything. Like are humans really monogamous? Sure, jealousy exists, but as long as you don't tell your partner you went out with someone else, why does it matter. My parents have been married for over 20 years, and they love each othey so much it's crazy. But to be perfectly honest, I've see the look of lust in their eyes when they look at someone actractive, even if it is just momentary. I wouldn't be surprized if sometime in the 20 years they've been married they've cheated at least once. It's only human nature. Of course, I don't really want to know about it, but I don't think it's a mortal sin.
To me marriage is more of a pact two people make to financially support each other. If love is involved, great! If there are no children, it's hard to stay together, because children are a major financial consumption which under the pact, must be supported with no excuses. If children are not involved, it's a lot harder to suppress the urge to not act upon the temptation of lust.
This is the reason I don't understand shows like Jerry Springer or girls (and sometimes guys) that NEED to "talk about the relationship". The only thing I NEED to discuss is a "contract" to support each other, but I'm not going to NEED to do that for another few years. Things are better left unsaid. Mystery is the most essential element in a relationship.
I don't understand why people don't think like I do. Or, if they do, they're too scared to admit it.
Society is a funny thing, it is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 13th, 2006|09:16 pm] |
I've become a nurd beyond extremes.
does anyone know if I really need a wvu student id to get into fall fest, or if i can get in on my dads? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 9th, 2006|11:18 pm] |
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I wish I could just drop out and do whatever the fuck I want with my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2006|01:42 am] |
Palo Alto in 12 hours.
It's supposed to be 99 degrees tomorrow!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2006|01:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
"There is pleasure in pain", he says. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|01:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | apathetic | ] |
the book snow crash would make a good movie |
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